Memories
by thPeekaBoo
Summary: While Gokudera started to burn everything that he had remembered into ashes, Haru started to freeze everything that she had started to forget into ice cubes. 5986


Title: Memories

Pairing: Gokudera/Haru

Summary: While Gokudera started to burn everything that he had remembered into ashes, Haru started to freeze everything that she had started to forget into ice cubes.

A/N(1): Written for the contest held by dotYui in the forums. c:

Word count: 2297~

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><p><em>"Gokudera Hayato - what about you?"<em>

_"Ah, so it's Gokudera! I'm Miura Haru, but it's okay skip all those formalities and you can just call me Haru. I feel the most comfortable with that-"_

_She stopped her words immediately after seeing the person she had just known to be Gokudera stretching his hand carefully towards her, with all those wounds that she had spent a night disinfecting and bandaging revealed. _

_"... Then I guess, skip all those formalities to me too and just call me Hayato."_

_"Hayato," _

_It was only a light shook of their hands, but all of a sudden the room and everything seemed a lot warmer now._

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><p>She thought that everything was going perfectly fine for them - it was, wasn't it?<p>

Always with Gokudera beside her, their smiles so apparent on their faces and how love was surrounding them, how could anything go wrong? How could they result like this, with neither of them wanting to see each other because shit, it hurt so much and yes, it really hurt so much.

She would always see guilt in his eyes, always. It was evident, it was so obvious that it broke Haru a little by how he could no longer stare straight into her eyes like nothing's wrong anymore because everything was. He erred, and there was so much guilt that was separating them, till the extent that they could never return anymore - just what happened to their past whereby they really loved being around each other and just... loved each other?

Haru had just wished that Gokudera had never gone to find out what his lost memories were - she regretted telling him to because everything he had found wasn't anything that they had expected and wanted. It broke them so terribly, and it caused them to hurt. They weren't the same anymore once Gokudera had gathered the truth to tell Haru about his past.

_"... Haru, I remembered at least... something."_

Remember how happy she was the first time he remembered something? But just how Gokudera was staring at her didn't make her happy anymore, together with the heavy burden hanging on her heart, the deep secret that she was so afraid to tell him.

_"I might've been the cause to your parents' death - I might've been the one who... killed them."_

And that was everything to start the coldness between them - actually Haru didn't mind even if it was that case - or maybe she would because really, her family once meant everything to her. They were everything; they gave her special warmth and love that nowhere could and this huge wound that she had gotten from her parents' death was not going to heal just by Gokudera's love. It was only going to get deeper by knowing that her boyfriend might've been the cause of everything - her once torturing depression.

Haru could remember how she could only stare at Gokudera and say nothing, not even words of reassuring him that nothing would change and they would still be happy as always - because no, you wouldn't love the person that took your parents' lives the same way as before. There was no way she could and yes, she guessed the both of them realized that.

Apology was word that the both of them didn't had enough courage to say, and it was also their missing courage that caused them to even go further.

It was ridiculous in a lot of ways at how they wouldn't look at each other anymore, when they used to love those gazes so much. Now what's left was only footsteps of Gokudera when he left the house to look more into his past, and the soft sniffs of Haru whenever she had forgotten about something - and yes, what had happened to her was a huge reason as to why she started to avoid him too.

No, Gokudera didn't have a single idea of it. Haru wouldn't allow him to.

She thought that her short-term memories and all those forgetful behaviors were all normal. She thought that there was nothing wrong with her - really, what could be wrong for just forgetting to turn off the stove and forgetting that you had a date? All people do forget things at a lot of times, don't they?

Then it happened - the day when Gokudera found out the first piece of evidence that he had once worked under people to be an assassin. She slipped from a ladder and fell, fell so badly that she was taken to a hospital where she faced with frowning doctor and sympathy stares that came from the nurses.

It was said that her memory was deteriorating faster than any normal human beings - it might've been genetic problems, it might've been worsened from the fall, it might've been from many reasons that no scientific research could give her the answer that she want.

There was no cure for her - she was bound to forget things. Many things - from big to small, from her name to... _Gokudera_.

And she cried that night, she cried so badly that Gokudera was so worried. For the first night they hugged each other so tightly, even if no other words were shared. And so the many consecutive nights after until all those memories that Gokudera picked up got too horrifying while Haru horrified herself from how forgetful she had gotten.

Gokudera's name slipped from her mind for a moment and that night, she cried herself into sleep while Gokudera just stared - with those guilt that started to become so obvious.

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><p>It was contradicting and weird in a lot of ways.<p>

While Gokudera started to burn everything that he had remembered into ashes, Haru started to freeze everything that she had started to forget into ice cubes.

Haru had once witnessed it herself, at how Gokudera burned his photographs of the past where lots of men in black were seen. She had also seen how he brought back a bagful of clothes, papers, photographs and so many others that all screamed his past - he burned them all after looking through them. Perhaps it's really what they would always say - curiosity kills the cat because really, Gokudera is dying from all those guilt and yet he really wanted to know where he once belonged.

And whenever he tried to start a small conversation with Haru, starting with how apologetic he was, Haru would leave immediately.

She was afraid. What she could do was to freeze them all - all those couple shirts, slippers, gloves, aprons and hats they shared. Movie tickets that had faded to yellow, photographs from everywhere and letters they had written for each other during those special occasions. She froze them all, from huge to small sizes of ice cubes and stored them all, with a scotch tape stuck to them - the meaning behind each cube would be written on it to remind her of where it came of, together with the date to show when did it started.

Small effort she knew, but she was only human and she had limits. This was her limit - maybe she had long over-crossed it, and that was why she was so broken.

_"Where did your mug went to?"_

He would ask, of course he would. He still cared for her like always and she was sure that he still loved her. Along with those guilt that was from his stare whenever he came home from his past, huge love was laced with it. But really, love alone was not enough to overcome everything that was stopping them. So Haru would just shrug, and leave.

She would only leave, while noticing how Gokudera's eyes went downcast and her heart would ache. But it's all okay, because she'll forget about it - the hurt still remained, though.

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><p>But it's all one day when Haru nearly forgotten about who she was, and everything that made her snap.<p>

She jumped out of the bed almost immediately with her tears falling uncontrollably as she pulled her luggage that was hidden under her bed out. She pulled open the closet and threw all of her clothes in, just everything that she could still see. Her vision was just far too blurred by all those tears as those memories that she had once shared with Gokudera went fading - she screamed whenever they did, she could just forget about anything but _Gokudera_.

Not them - and why _them_?

She didn't get why must they went through all these - but whatever reasons it was to bring them so much torturing, they were really broken. Haru overheard Gokudera muttering about how everything was confirmed to himself, that - he was really the one who killed Haru's parents and made everything to look like it's an accident.

Haru died a little together with Gokudera that night as they both cried but pretended to not notice.

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><p>And when Gokudera returned home to see everything, he broke down. He cried as he noticed how the closet was empty, and he cried when he noticed suddenly, empty the house had become. And he began to blame himself for everything - for how he shouldn't have survived when Haru picked him up from the streets. This was obviously not a way to repay someone who saved you and loved you so much.<p>

It was then he noticed the letter that was stuck onto the fridge.

-_"Hayato, the very first thing to tell you is : I'm so sorry for everything. _

_We shouldn't have drifted and I should have been more forgiving. I should've ignored everything - I mean we should have or to say we could, as long as I said it. _

_You would do anything for me, you always did. That's the way you are, and that's how I always loved but Hayato, things don't seem to work just because we wish for them to, now. It's almost as if the world hates us and is all against us - I haven't told you this but I've fallen ill, Hayato. I'm forgetting everything, and I'm... serious. __There was once I was sitting in the kitchen and for a short moment, I have forgotten who was this that stood before me - I'm afraid, Hayato. _

_In fact I should've left earlier, I should have left when you still have fresh memories of the Haru that was always so happy and greeted you so cheerfully - I'm so sorry for everything. I really hate to leave you but I must, what should you do one day if I really just forgot about everything and just leave you to remember everything by yourself together with a huge burden? No, I'm not going to do that and I'm going to leave to just... anywhere. __Anywhere that won't matter even if I forget about everything. _

_And for you, Hayato, you've found a new life here so cherish it. Find a new girl and start really afresh, not with some girl that is from your past, okay? Promise me and urm - I've to stop writing here now and I... I love you, Hayato."_-

Gokudera was sure Haru cried a lot while writing this letter because who wouldn't? He cried so badly after reading it, all those sobs and whimpers escaping from his lips despite him fighting so hard against it - because no, they didn't deserve and why must it be them who had gotten all these?

All they wished were to be simple and just simple, so why take all these away from them? Why take Haru's memories away from her, why take _her_ away from him?

Just why?

Was love not enough for anything or were they not enough for each other? Gokudera couldn't understand - or to say he never would.

He still loved Haru so much, he knew she did too. He knew his past would be accepted by Haru someday, long way in the future. He would be okay with it even if it wasn't going to fast as long as they were going to be together. He would accept everything of Haru, even if memories were slipping - he knew Haru would stay as long as he gave her lots of promises. Just any as long as she named it - but she had really left him and he lost a huge part of himself.

And as Gokudera faced those ice cubes that were in the fridge that he had never noticed, he could only crack a bitter smile through all those tears.

They both lost, so terribly and horribly in this war of love. They contradicted themselves and got bruised, broken and scarred.

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><p><em>"Wherever I belonged to probably sucks, Haru. No, don't look at me like that - I'm not kidding. Look how I ended up like when you first found me? This is probably a new beginning for me and of course I'm not going to waste it. Not when you're here." Gokudera muttered softly as a small smile tugged at Haru's lips, almost missing the slightest tint of pink that spread across his pale cheeks. "... Look, I rarely say things like this so-"<em>

_A soft chuckle was released from Haru's lips as her fingers went up to run through those soft silver hair that was always so pretty, in her eyes, even the scar that was hidden - and the moment Gokudera panicked at her reaction, she understood something. _

_"I-I'm not kidding, why are you laughing?"_

_"I know," _

_"You've to believe me that I'm not going to leave you once I found all those stinking past of mine back, I'm going to stay here with you!"_

_"I know, Hayato. I know,"_

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><p>AN(2) : Urm so hi? It's me, urm.. I'm back? ^^;; This is actually the shortened version, the original one is much more longer - we'll see if i'll have the determination to finish all ^^; So if this was actually confusing since I skipped the whole introduction (shortened version is short, well kind of) I'll try to explain? Gokudera is actually found by Haru and has lost his memories then as time past they became lovers then - shit happens and this fic comes in c;

Good luck for everyone that's in the contest! I love yui my butler and urm ccc: I love comments. LOL.


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